Santa is a Pervert, and 49 Other Crazy Movie Translations
What would you guess a movie called “Crystal Jungle” is about? How about “Mr. Cat Poop”? Respectively, they are Die Hard and As Good as It Gets, revealing the wondrous and sometimes downright bizarre world of movie title translation.
Mr. Cat Poop?
Although there often seems to be no method to the madness, we found that the translations tend to fall into six general categories. Here’s a look at the very best:
Just Plain Wrong
Perhaps there’s been a real misunderstanding, a misprint, or just a total misstep. Whatever the situation, these titles are just baldly incorrect. 007 doesn’t die twice, nobody drowns in chocolate sauce and you can’t be slightly pregnant.
Japan: You Only Live Twice – 007 Dies Twice
Denmark: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – The Boy Who Drowned in Chocolate Sauce
Japan: Dr. No – We Don’t Want a Doctor
Peru, Israel: Knocked Up – Slightly Pregnant
Israel: The Naked Gun – The Gun Died Laughing
Japan: Kindergarten Cop – Demon King of Children
China: The Shawshank Redemption – Excitement
Italy: Trading Places – A Chair for Two
Malaysia: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me – Austin Powers: The Spy Who Behaved Very Nicely Around Me
Italy: The Producers – Please Don’t Touch the Old Women
For Those Who Like a Surprise
These are the art-house movie translations, esoteric, trendy and perhaps a little pretentious. Those who view these movies on name alone are in for a surprise. Yes, Interview with a Vampire IS about boring small talk with a lawyer, and yes, Army of Darkness IS about the mascot of a supermarket. Enjoy!
Spain: Die Hard – Crystal Jungle
Hungary: Die Hard – Give Your Life Expensive
Portugal: Forgetting Sarah Marshall – A Nice Pair of Roller-skates
Japan: Interview with a Vampire – So You Are a Lawyer?
China: As Good As It Gets – Mr. Cat Poop
Japan: The Horse Whisperer – Held by Wind in Montana
Germany: Dragnet – Floppy Coppers Don’t Bite
Hungary: Alien – The 8th Passenger is Death
Japan: Army of Darkness – Captain Supermarket
Italy: Risky Business – When the Old People are Away, the Sons Dance
Ouch! Don’t Hold Back
These movie titles are the equivalent of the friend who tells you that you look fat in that dress and nobody likes your boyfriend and what are you doing in that job anyway? Oh, and that Santa is a pervert.
Philippines: Never Been Kissed – Because She’s Ugly
Czech Republic: Bad Santa – Santa is a Pervert
China: The Full Monty – Six Naked Pigs
Spain: Horrible Bosses – l I Want to Kill My Boss
China: The English Patient – Do Not Ask Me Who I Am, Ever
Thailand: The Waterboy – Dimwit Surges Forth
China: Nixon – Big Liar
Germany: Dodgeball – Straight on the Nuts
Sweden: Swingers – Hey, Where are the Chicks At?
China: GI Jane – Satan Female Soldier
Explains It All
If surprises are anathema to you, then these movies will suit your sedate needs. In fact, many act as mini-synopses so you don’t have to bother even watching the movie! Prime example: The Unbelievable Trip on a Wacky Airplane.
France: Jaws – The Teeth of the Sea
Thailand: Little Fockers – Zany Son-in-Law, Zippy Grandkids, Sour Father-in-Law
Brazil: Lost in Translation – Meetings and Failures in Meetings
Germany: Airplane – The Unbelievable Trip on a Wacky Airplane
France: Home Alone – Mom, I Missed the Plane
Mexico: The Sound of Music – The Rebel Novice Nun
France: There’s Something about Mary – Mary at All Costs
China: Léon: the Professional – This Hit Man Is Not as Cold as He Thought
Thailand: Due Date – Odd Couple, Wacky Trip, Go Together In Time for Birth
Germany: Annie Hall – The Urban Neurotic
Beware of Spoilers!
Don’t say we didn’t warn you. All the titles below pretty much ruin the plot of the entire movie, saving you a trip to the cinema.
Portugal: Psycho – The Man Who Killed His Mother
China: The Sixth Sense – He’s a Ghost!
China: Hamlet – The Prince’s Revenge
Italy: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – If You Leave Me, I Delete You
Spain: Ocean’s Eleven – The Big Heist
Portugal: Weekend at Bernie’s – A Very Crazy Dead Man
Mexico: Thelma and Louise – Thelma and Louise: An Unexpected Ending
Spain: It’s Complicated – I’m In Love With My Ex
Germany: Life of Pi – Shipwreck with Tiger
Hong Kong: American Pie – American Virgin Man
